


In a heartbeat

by thenightwolf732



Series: My finale fix-it cause it sucked ass [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: 15X20? don't know her, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Background Saileen, Drinking, Episode Fix-It: s15e20 Carry On, Grief/Mourning, Grieving Dean Winchester, Hurt Dean Winchester, M/M, POV Dean Winchester, POV Sam Winchester, Post-Episode: s15e19 Inherit the Earth, Season/Series 15, We only know 15X18 here and tolerate 15X19, but i'm still hurting for my destiel babies, cause they deserved better too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2020-12-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:07:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27901231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thenightwolf732/pseuds/thenightwolf732
Summary: Sam woke around five to go to the bathroom and on the way back he remembered his ipad that he’d left in the basement. When he was about to go in the already open door, he saw dean. Slouched on the floor, leaning his head against the far end wall behind the chair, bear bottles scattered around him.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~This happens after 15x19. At first when everything looks good but Dean is not okay at all and is hell bent on bringing back Cas. Sam find out and wants to help. They think about the spell Nick used for Lucifer.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester
Series: My finale fix-it cause it sucked ass [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2043103
Comments: 7
Kudos: 51





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys enjoy. Sorry for typos and mistakes. I couldn't exactly find the details for the spell so forgive me for that too.

“Wait wait wait jack...” Dean called after him. 

“Cas… bring him back” he said his voice threatening to break. Jack gave a small smile but didn’t say anything before vanishing into light. 

“No” dean’s shoulders slumped. He just left. How could he just leave them… jack loved Cas, he knew that… he had managed to wake him from the empty before … of course now he could just… but why didn't he...

“Hey...” dean felt sam’s hand on his shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

Dean couldn’t bear to look at him now so he just nodded and walked to the car. If jack wouldn’t bring him back, He’d just find a way to go down there and get that feathery ass idiot back himself. 

~~~~~  
Sam was on edge, waiting for the other shoe to drop any second. They had defeated chuck almost a month ago. He had checked in with Eileen, Bobby, Donna,… everybody was back. He was happier than ever with his amazing badass girlfriend. But something didn’t felt right. He thought Dean would be if not happy, relieved a bit at least. Sam knew he was trying for his sake to enjoy this newfound real free will and freedom; But he could see through the crap. He had noticed their alcohol inventory emptying and refreshing at an alarming rate. Oh Dean was careful alright. Trying real good to take out the empty bottles and buying more whenever he could without letting sam notice but he KNEW after that night. Dean wasn’t fine. 

Sam had woken up around five to go to the bathroom and on the way back he remembered his ipad that he’d left in the basement. When he was about to go in the already open door, he saw dean. Slouched on the floor, leaning his head against the far end wall behind the chair, bear bottles scattered around him. He seemed to be asleep. That was when sam had realized what exactly was going on and also could guess where cas had summoned the empty. Now he could make sense of the late night researches, the random biblical lore books he found out of place around the bunker. Dean hadn’t given up on bringing cas back and he wasn’t doing much well by the looks of it. 

“morning bitch”

Sam straightened up when dean walked in the kitchen looking like every morning. Suddenly sam couldn’t take it anymore. Couldn’t take dean thinking he could fool him, like sam wouldn’t notice the purple lines under his eyes getting darker day by day, or the clothes hanging looser by his brother’s shoulders. 

“Morning” Sam just had enough so he went in for the kill. “How did you sleep?” He asked while dean sat down with his mug of coffee. 

“Like a baby… you?” 

“Alright… that’s it” Sam said putting down his own mug. 

“What?” Dean looked so genuinely confused that sam almost get offended. 

“I know you’re trying to bring back Cas.” 

Dean’s eyes went dark and hard so fast, sam almost wished he hadn't said it. 

“What I don’t know is why didn’t you tell me? I want him back too I wanna help”

“No” Dean said through his clenched jaw. 

“what? What do you mean no?”

“I mean No” Dean stood up to leave. “end of the story.” 

“Nuh uh” Sam got up and stood on dean’s way to the door. “You can’t just say that and run away again. I know you’re not fine dean.” He barely noticed his voice raising. 

“You’re losing weight You’re not sleeping and the way you’re drinking …” Sam stopped to take a breath. If looks could kill he’d be dead by the way dean was staring at him. But he wasn’t going to let it go. Not this. Not now that they had finally beat the biggest bad. And it probably looked on his face cause dean’s expression softened slightly. 

“I can’t…”Dean said under breath. “I can’t sleep. I can’t eat…” His face broke completely. Sam stopped himself from actually stepping in and hugging his big brother. He knew that wasn’t what dean needed. 

“We’ll get him back” Sam tried. “let me help… together we’ll figure it out, like we always do.” But dean was already shaking his head. 

“No… I can’t let you get involved again Sammy. “ sam was about to explode again when dean continued. “You have a life. Finally you’re happy. You have Eileen… hell you even go on hunt dates together. “ Dean chuckled. “It doesn’t get cuter than that.” 

“I mean weird sure, but cute.” Sam smiled against his own wishes at that. 

“I can’t let you risk that.” Dean said in a more serious voice. “The empty is the only big bad on the board right now. and it's probably already mad at you for lying through your teeth at it. I can’t let you get caught in the crossfire. “

“can’t or won’t? “ Sam asked. 

“Both.” 

Dean’s voice didn’t let there be any possibility of budging so Sam tried another way. 

“Okay.” He said finally. “I won’t join you in anything you need to do…Except research.” 

And when Dean was getting ready to argue again he rushed to say : “Just reading, finding clues… that’s it…I’ll leave you be the second we find the way… who would know I’m involved?” 

They stared at each other till finally dean broke. “FINE”

~~~~~  
So it began. They went on hunts whenever they found something or somebody called them but the rest of the time they spent it on their laptops, pouring over the books in the bunker, or dean calling any old friends he could think of with access to lore books. He was trying. Trying to not break down, not to lose hope. It was one of those quiet nights them sitting in the library with their laptops. Sam was glancing at his beer bottle once in a while when he sighed. Dean immediately put down the bottle he was about to take a sip from.  
“I just wish we had a bit of his blood.” Sam said swiping his hand on his tired eyes. “that would’ve been so easy.”  
“what?”  
“His blood.” Sam said looking at him.” We could just use the same spell nick did to bring back Lucifer.”  
Dean had forgotten all about that. Mary’s death had blocked everything in his mind. He felt his heart lighten with hope.  
“His hand.” He barely whispered a tentative smile spreading on his face.  
“what?”  
Dean couldn’t answer he just stood up and ran to his room. The coat. He hadn’t been able to wash it. He couldn’t erase the last bit of Cas that was left for him. It was sitting there in his closet. He picked it up carefully his fingers dancing on the handprint. The bloody handprint that had gone black with age. He heard the footsteps behind and turned around to face sam.  
“He cut his hand right before ….” Dean swallowed and started again. “He pushed me out of the way.”  
Sam bless his soul didn’t ask why he hadn’t washed it away. Instead he was mirroring the same hopeful but terrified smile back at him.  
“This could work.” Sam said. But then suddenly his face fell.  
“We need a vessel.” He said defeated. “Nick was gonna offer his own body… For Lucifer to possess him again.”  
But dean didn’t feel as defeated as Sam looked. That was a downside of course but he was sure they could still make something work. This was the best clue they had in weeks.  
~~~~~

Sam wished he hadn’t said anything to watch his brother be really happy for the first time in so long and then take away the hope. Maybe they could change the spell or…  
“Maybe we can find a vessel? “ He asked not even certain himself.  
“No no noway.” Dean said immediately. “Cas wouldn’t want to come back like that … and it would be all kinds of wrong …I’ll do it. “  
“what?” Sam couldn’t believe what he heard.  
“Look we’ll try to change the spell … I dunno ... bring back his body or something but even if that doesn’t work…. I’ll do it.”

“what the hell are you talking about? It’s POSSESSION dean!” 

“I know!... And I’d do it in a heart beat.” Dean said. “I’d take him possessing me than dead any day.” Dean’s voice broke. Sam noticed him clenching the bloody jacket in his hands white knuckled.

“let’s just think about that later.” Sam said. “Focus on the spell now. call Donatello. Ask him about the details. Then We’ll think about the changing it.” 

~~~~~  
This was pointless. Dean couldn’t take it anymore. He wanted to just do the spell already and he knew sam was stalling. They had asked for Rowena’s help already and any other witch they could think about. Nobody could bring back Cas’s body. And Dean was done. He wanted his angel back. He didn’t care if he’d have to share his body. He’d share his life length in a second let alone his body. Cas died saving him. Cas died after telling him that he loved him. Cas died after making sure Dean knew he deserved to be saved. Cas died before he could hear what dean wanted to tell him for months. Cas died before knowing.  
Sam was going through Rowena’s notes for the thousand’s time and Dean was done. He had the ingredients. He knew the ritual by heart. And he needed Sam out of the bunker for this he didn’t trust him to let him finish it. And what he had to say… he couldn’t say them in front of sam.  
“Hey can you go make a run?” Dean said casually.

“for what?” Sam raised his head confused. 

“We’re out of bread, milk and wine. I saw a recipe the other day. Wanna try it.”

“Seriously? “ sam was getting suspicious and he couldn’t have that. 

“yeah seriously why does it always gotta be me who does the shopping ...and the cooking ....and the cleaning…Why can’t you go for groceries for once sam?” He took the offended tone to just hit it home.  
“Okay okay alright I’m going.” Sam said putting his hands up in surrender.  
He was lucky sam was so considerate of his feelings these days or this wouldn’t have worked in a million years.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Dean set down the bowl in the basement facing the wall Cas disappeared in. trying not to think about what would happen in a few minutes.  
“Okay this is it.” He said and dropped the cloth he had cut from his jacket with Cas’s hand print on. He still felt bad about burning it away but if it worked he’d have the real thing back.  
He lit the match and held it above the bowl.  
“Okay” he swallowed and dropped the match. The pink flame rose and the black fissure opened on the wall.  
“Okay” Dean said his voice firm but low. “Cas? Castiel. Do you hear me? Castiel...You need to come back. Please....I... I'm offering you my vessel. I’m…. I’m saying yes.”  
He stared at the dark void shimmering in and out of himself But nothing happened.  
“Please Cas… I … I need you back… please…” his voice broke and he was barely aware of the tears in his eyes.  
“You need to come back… because ... this is your home …and your family needs you…Cas you said all those things about me and I didn’t get the chance… you need to come back…. Please I’m begging you here…I …I love you”  
Dean gasped at the words when they finally left his chest. He felt lighter than he had in weeks.  
“OF COURSE I love you too… I have for years…so please… come back to me”  
The fissure’s color was changing. He saw a light getting brighter.  
“Cas? “  
The light was getting blinding now until it crossed the threshold and flew right in front of him. Dean’s eyes hurt but he couldn’t stop staring at it. The bright shape of light that was cas. A happy sob left his throat.  
“yes.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the bit of angst I just need some with my fluff!

Dean was happy. That was it. yeah Sure there were some downsides to sharing his body with Cas, like not being able to actually hold him. or that he didn’t have any walls between his thoughts and feelings and what Cas saw. And there was a lot of those that he had repressed before; which shocked Cas at first. Like how much he actually felt for the angel or how much he longed for him all the time or how much him being gone had hurt like a knife cutting in his ribs. However the fact that Cas was shocked the first time he felt what he was feeling meant that he had to know.

Another downside was the fact that Sam was still pissy with him. Oh he acted all nice and friendly when Cas came out but nooo, he couldn’t have the same manners when his own brother was talking. And if Dean was being honest, he kinda was in the wrong. He had gone behind him and could’ve gotten himself in trouble. But everything turned out well and dean just wished Sam could get it over with. But he knew it was a long way off. Sam hadn’t have his big explosive shouting match with him yet. After coming from the grocery store and finding Dean sitting in the floor of the basement with a faroff look in his face his first priority had been to check if he was okay. And after figuring out what had happened he was just happy to have Cas around. But as soon as Dean had come out he’d gone bitchy. 

Dean was dreaming about somewhere wet with a cool breeze on his face. when he slowly realized he was dreaming and about to wake up. Cas had been making sure his dreams were peaceful lately. Suddenly he saw him across in the bed with his stupid small smile.

“hey”

“hello dean “

“Where was that last place?” Dean asked.

“Oh just a coast in Australia. “ Cas said. “Did you like it?”

“Yeah it was nice.”

“Do you mind me controlling your dreams like this? “ Cas asked hesitantly. “I felt some unpleasant ones gathering so I thought I’d prevent it. But if you mind …”  
  
“No are you kidding me? “ Dean interrupted. “why would I want nightmares?”

“Okay. I think you should get up and talk to Sam a bit. He still seems pretty upset.” Cas said guiltily.

“Hey that’s not your fault.” Dean said. “He’s just mad I didn’t wait longer. He’s glad to have you around.”

“Okay” Cas said but he still looked uncertain.

So dean did the only thing he could think of . He moved forward while grabbing Cas’s tie and pulling him towards himself. Next thing he knew he had the angel trapped under him. He held his face and when he kissed him he felt warmth run down his body. He didn’t know where one kiss stopped and next one started. He just knew he wanted to keep doing that till he smiled. And Cas did exactly that.

“I love you.” Dean said seriously while looking at Cas’s blue eyes.

“I know.”

~~~~~

Sam had just come back from his morning jog to see Dean smiling at himself behind his laptop. He just hoped he hadn't interrupted anything with the ridiculous look in his brother's eyes.

“Hey.” Dean said without raising his eyes.

Sam considered not answering for a second. But he was tired of the silent treatment.

“Hey. anything on? “ he said.

“No…but if it was you’d want to go with us?” Dean asked casually.

“Yeah dean just cause you were an idiot doesn’t mean I don’t wanna hunt anymore.” Sam exploded. Although he had to cut himself some slack. He’d kept his mouth shut for long enough.

“There it is.” Dean said still calm. He closed the lid of his laptop and turned to sam.

“Look I’m sorry I lied to you.” Dean said. “But you know you wouldn’t let me do it and that was our deal from the start. You stay on board just till the real action.”

“Apology accepted.” Sam said coldly until he broke. “I’m glad he’s back ..kinda… I dunno I’m still trying to wrap my head around this…”

“Yeah you and me both.” Dean chuckled.

“I’m happy you guys are happy.” Sam said with a smile." I really am. as long as you keep the sex fantasies for your room I don't wanna catch you with a boner in the kitchen."

Dean opened his mouth to say something but his face suddenly clenched in pain. He let out a low whine of pain and grabbed the desk and stood. Sam was at his elbow in a second. Dean’s hand went to his temple.

“Dean? What’s going on? “ Sam asked frantically.

“It’s me Sam. Dean’s fine don’t worry. “ Cas said his face relaxing a little. “it’s the angle radio. Anael just talked to me.”

Sam stepped back a bit to give him a bit of space and asked. “Anael? You mean jo? What does she want?”

“A meeting… she needs my help apparently.” Cas said.

“Help? after she screwed us over? Noway! “ Sam said.

“I know I think the same” Cas said. “No Dean I don’t think we should…that’s not what she said….it could be a trap”

Sam stood there while apparently cas was answering dean talking inside his mind. God this was so confusing. He had no idea how his brother could stand it.

“What’s going on?” Sam asked exasperated to be left out. Suddenly cas’s eyes flashed blue and his pose changed.

“ I think we should go… she said she would make it worthwhile. “ Dean said. “ And I wouldn’t pass at a chance to kick her ass after that goose chase she sent us to.”

“It could be another trap.” Sam said.

“Sam she kinda threatened if Cas didn’t go he’d regret it. “ Dean finally said. “ Now I dunno about you but that spooked me out so I’m goi…”

~~~~~

“Dean you can’t actually think about going.” Cas said angrily.

“What if she was being honest for once huh? “ Dean said. “ What if we don’t go and you actually end up paying the price?”

“Dean I can’t just…” Cas’s expression softened. “Look if I was still in my old vessel I would go but …now.. I can’t put you in harm’s way because of another angel…. So please don’t make me do that. “ He pleaded.

“So you know why I can’t just sit on my thumbs and wait for whatever she’s talking about to go wrong.” Dean said and opened his eyes to see Sam in front of him looking frustrated.

“I’m going.” He finally said and walked off the library to get ready. He got in his room when suddenly he felt his feet freeze.

“Wha…” he said but his lips weren’t moving.

“I’m sorry dean I can’t let you do this.”

“Cas? What are you…” Dean felt Cas take control.

“I’m really sorry but I won’t let you endanger yourself for me again.” Cas said in his mind with guilty eyes.

Dean couldn’t believe this. Cas wouldn’t trap him in his own mind, would he? No this can't be happening. Panic rushed in his head. He felt helpless. like when Michael had trapped him under water.

“No no no no.” The cas in his mind said while coming closer to him with his hand raised. Dean stumbled back. He couldn’t breathe… why did he even need to breathe? he needed air... he needed space.

He saw the hurt flash across Castiel’s face.

“I’m sorry Dean I really am.”

But dean couldn’t understand him over the thunder in his ears. He trusted Cas would never do this.

“I’m not doing this to hurt you dean… I’m trying to keep you safe…” he said sadly.

~~~~~

Dean was standing in water… waves were crashing at his ankles… he felt the sand under his toes... he thought he was stressed about something but couldn’t remember what. He decided to enjoy the moonlight on the waves instead. It was so beautiful so peaceful. Nobody was around. He decided to lie down on the sand and watch the stars for a while.

~~~~~

“Dean? “

He turned around to the voice and was shocked to see he’s in bed, Cas standing in the corner of the room. Suddenly everything came back to him and he felt the panic starting up.

“Calm down… this is just a dream.” Cas said pleadingly with his hand up. Like he wanted to come closer but he was physically retaining himself from doing so. “I just wanted to talk to you before leaving.”

“What do you mean leaving?” Dean gasped, heart beating in his throat.

“I … I left your body to meet Anael without a vessel. I helped her with her problem and she was just bluffing before but at least she doesn’t hold any grudge now… I put you to sleep. Sam was watching over you.” Cas explained with a hurry.

Dean tried to calm his breathing to take in Cas's words in bits and pieces.

“Why are you leaving now?” Dean said after a second.

“I…” Cas stumbled over his words. “ Don’t you want me to? “

Dean didn’t know. He was still feeling claustrophobic. But the idea of Cas leaving again filled him with more dread.

“Okay okay …”Cas said. “I’m not leaving but I will any second you want me to. You can wake up if you want now.”

Dean opened his eyes in real world and surged up from his bed. taking deep breaths to calm himself down, he got up and went to the kitchen for water. He didn't want to stay in this room right now where the walls threatened to eat him whole any second. He still could feel cas in his mind but he needed some time.

Sam was standing behind the kitchen counter stirring something.

“Dean? “

“Yeah it’s me.”

Dean walked over to the fridge.

“So.. Cas told me what happened.” Sam said. “ You okay?”

“Look sam I don’t need an _I told you so_ right now. “ Dean shouted.

“that’s not.. what I was gonna say.” Sam said before going back to his stirring.

Dean forgot about the water and grabbed a bear. He didn’t want to think about it but he felt betrayed. He knew Cas only did it for his safety but all he could think about was micheal. He was halfway done with the bear when sam said:

“Look I know it sucks being possessed…let me say this okay? But I also know what I felt about it was because of our past angel possession experiences. You know...Lucifer, Gadreel, Micheal… They screwed us up. Took control.”

Dean felt his mouth go sour with remembering the suffocation of micheal’s hold. his own face looking at him from the mirror but not recognizing the cold collected look.

“But that’s not exactly what Cas did.” Sam finished.

“He locked me... inside my _own body_.” Dean whispered afraid to get the words out.

“Just for a second.” Sam said. “He just put you to sleep before you can do something stupid. He wasn’t even possessing you when he went to meet Jo. But I know it sucked you have every right to be mad...but what you felt wasn’t all because of Cas. Just remember that.”

Sam patted his shoulder before going. Dean knew that he didn’t want to feel whatever he did. He didn’t want to feel betrayed and stabbed in the back again. Because it triggered all his hellish memories. he also knew Cas didn’t mean it but it didn’t erase the fact this must not happen ever again. This could not ever happened again if Cas wanted them to still have whatever they had these days. he couldn't spend every day every second worried about the next time Cas would deem necessary to decide for him.

So he closed his eyes and when he opened them again Cas was standing in the kitchen.

“Dean? “ He said hesitantly.

“Hey…I…” He took a deep breath. “ you can’t do that again. And I mean EVER again. I don’t care if I’m in danger or you don’t me to do whatever...You can’t take my control away like that ever again. “

“I understand. I promise you.” Cas said. “but I would also understand if you didn’t want me anymore so…”

“That’s not it...okay?” Dean interrupted standing up from his chair. “ I love you. That hasn’t changed. I just need to know that you won’t pull anything like that ever again if we want this to work.”

Cas Smiled and stepped forward. “I love you too. Is this okay?” He said coming closer to dean.

“Yeah it is.” Dean answered by pulling him closer with a hand on the small of his back and hiding his face in Cas's neck.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed :) tell me what you thought and come say hi on [ tumblr](https://thenightwolf732.tumblr.com/)


End file.
